If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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