I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Houston, we have a blender
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
