so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
