That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
