i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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