Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
