I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize