I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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