wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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