shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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