last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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