I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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