Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
