where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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