how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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