I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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