He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
