I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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Is it penis luge time yet?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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