Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
