can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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