Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
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