the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
