It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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