I love black thongs
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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