If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan