I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.