I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
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He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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