The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
