Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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