I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
