bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
