Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
