I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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