She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
