WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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