She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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