So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
