I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
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Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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