K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
