I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
