I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize
