the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
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My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.