How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
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I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
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i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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