holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
