meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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