Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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