Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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