This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
