I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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