Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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