Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
