I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How does one acquire holy water?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
